escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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