I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
