i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
