Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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