There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
