Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
