There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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