I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Randomize
