Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
