he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
