someone threw a dead crab at me
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
