yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
