and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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