I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
