True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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