She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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