she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
