Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
