Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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