I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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