apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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