I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
