Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
