i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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