i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
