between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Sext me about skeletons
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
