Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
