Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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