I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
