At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
