I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
