you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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