i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Acid is not a monday night drug
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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