matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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