this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
