The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
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