When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
