Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
