Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
