i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
