i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
