Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
