I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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