he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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