I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
i now understand why vodka
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
