My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
