She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
