but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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