She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
