the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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